Me, as I am.

Good morning world. I’m going to touch on a bit of a personal matter today, so sorry if it get’s a bit deep a bit quickly.

Where to start?

I’m currently sat here, drinking my morning coffee, trying to work up the courage to explain everything. I promise I’ll try and keep it short and sweet.

So, before I can remember I’ve always felt like people were looking at me, and judging me. This could stem from just walking to a friends house at any time of the day. That then turned into my inability to go up to a counter and pay for something myself, instead I’d ask whoever I was with to do it for me. Wouldn’t tell them the real reason, just that ‘I have to ring mum outside quickly.’ And hand them whatever it was and the money for it. Which, after that, just turned into being unable to go into a shop by myself at all.

Over the years it has slowly progressed into barely leaving the house, not answering the door, or numbers that aren’t recognised on my phone. Not talking to practically anyone and more or less isolating myself.

Until recently. I finally sought out the necessary help, and I’m working on it. I was put on medication, which seems to help my get up and go in the morning’s and all around general happiness. However, it hasn’t taken away the mind numbing thoughts and panic. I learnt that last night.

What was supposed to be a casual trip to Tesco turned into a catastrophic nightmare for me, warning, I have no doubt that you’ll think I’m overreacting. We had everything we needed for dinner and were just about to leave when, me being me, decided that I wanted to get chocolate. We eventually found the sweet isle and I was happy, the thought of that sweet delicacy had me all kinds of happy. That was until I saw a friend from school at the end of the isle with her little family (hi, if you’re reading this btw 🙂 .) My mind went into overdrive. I wanted to hide, but couldn’t. I was like a cornered animal. There is no secret way in that moment to say to your boyfriend ‘please get me out of this situation, hide me or something’ when you’ve managed to back yourself up against a wall and said school friend is rapidly approaching. Luckily for me, my boyfriend also knew her, so he initiated conversation. For me, it went from bad to worse. I was beyond lightheaded and had started to cry (this was through shock of seeing someone I used to be close to with a little family. I tend to be quite an emotional person.) I must have looked all kinds of crazy. My throat was dry, my mind wouldn’t say anything direct and I was hyper aware of what I looked like and what I was wearing. Needless to say I wanted the conversation to end and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what I did on the way home.

Since the incident all I have been able to think about is how I must have looked to them. But, you can’t stand there in the middle of a shop and tell someone who you haven’t seen for 4 years “Oh, don’t mind the way I’m acting, I’ve got social anxiety disorder, I promise just give me a minute to adjust and it’ll be fine.” My boyfriend kept repeating to me “It’s okay, you actually handled it really well.” Yeah, really well for someone who knows what I go through everyday, not really well to someone who’s never dealt with someone with my issues.

I just wanted to throw it out there, and let everyone know that I am trying. It’s a hell of a fight, but I’m working through it, and I’m sorry to anyone who see’s me as I stand at the moment.

I hope you’re all having a good week so far.

Love always,

Hannah.

Ps – My short and sweet attempt failed.

 

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